What Remains by Jenn Martinez-Stefaniak

Image by Claire Kelly on Unsplash

I saw your eyes again, just a glimpse, yet I always catch you in flashes. Sometimes your eyes are blue like your father’s, but that day I saw my own, a fog-draped forest with just a touch of green. A glimmer of what could have been, what is gone, what I can only know in my imagination.

When your brother was born, I saw you in his umber eyes. When I caressed his fragile fingers, know that I was caressing yours. When your sister was born, I saw you looking out at me through the hazel line etched around her caramel irises. When I nuzzled her thick, fuzzy auburn hair and kissed her wrinkled forehead, I breathed in your essence with hers.

Once at the park, they chased one another, fumbling as toddlers do. I saw you there, dark brown hair tousled around your honeyed face. You just turned twelve. The fall leaves swirled under your feet as you zig-zagged beside them—guiding them away from uneven ground, cushioning their falls. I closed my eyes, grasping at the already fading image, your laughter humming through my memory.

When your brother started school and cried every day, you comforted him. You found a picture with all of us in it, and made a necklace from it, one he could wear to school. When the sadness set in, he’d look down to see we were there with him. Do you remember when he filled the school bathroom sink with water and paper towels causing it to overflow? Of course you do. His punishment meant using the nurse’s bathroom, and you were there beside him on those walks of shame. You were twenty-nine when he rode his first motorcycle, but you were on the back, holding his waist, and when he built his first engine, you guided his hands. When he graduated, you clapped the loudest, whistling and cheering even though we were supposed to be silent until the end.

Your sister was a little tougher. She didn’t cry when she started school, but you were still there when the teasing began, when the little boys told her she couldn’t t-t-talk. You gave her strength to endure, to walk away. You told her that stuttering was a sign of genius. Because people who bumped, as you called it, had so many creative ideas in their heads at one time that their mouths just simply couldn’t keep up. You were seventeen when she was drawing stick people and thirty when she was composing portraits, but you sat beside her all the way, her muse. And when she attached herself to that boy, old man, old woman, groomer, whoever it was on the other side of the chat, you helped her see that it was a mistake, that she could get hurt, that she deserved better. As she struggled to crawl out of the solitary pit she’d dug, you reached for her hand, hoisting her over the edge back to life.

Sometimes, though, I lose sight of you. If the days stretch on without a glimpse, reproach eats at my belly, and I hope you can’t see my shame. I’m afraid of losing you completely. I have no pictures or videos, only my imaginations, but even those images fade, like photos shuffled too many times. I tell myself that it’s a good thing because it’s hard to see you but not have you, not touch you, not hear you. Perhaps I shouldn’t fear because when I do see you, it will be like waking up from a happy dream, and when I don’t see you—when I don’t see you, when I don’t see you—you will become my shadow, like a happy dream I can’t remember.

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Jenn Martinez-Stefaniak lives in Massachusetts where she spends as much time as possible outside with her family, taking in large doses of the energy and artistry that is God’s Creation. She writes for children and adults, seeking to encourage and inspire her readers by exploring the intersection of faith, nature, and daily life. Her work has appeared in Prime Magazine, Louisiana English Journal, and Nature Friend Magazine. When she’s not writing, she’s hiking with her beloved dogs or visiting faraway places, real and imagined. She can be found on Instagram: @jennmartinezstefaniak