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GLASSWORKS

Heaven is a Photograph by Christine Sloan Stoddard

a selection of poems from the collection published by CLASH Books | August 11, 2020

Radiance Cannot Be Photoshopped                 
​
 i sit in the digital media lab, swamped by computers with
blank faces. the legions sleep— that is, all but one. my
computer’s screen blinks at me. her impatience clouds the
air. i turn away. outside, a snowstorm sweeps across campus.
for a moment, i think about the perfection of a single
snowflake. then my mind jumps back to silver and white
souls humming around me. i tap a random key on the
keyboard. the letter ‘c.’ choose. choose now.

i button up my cardigan and pull my scarf out from my
backpack. the lab’s large windows make the room an icebox
in the winter. the hairs on my arms start to wilt as i warm
up. the snow falls harder. down the hall, another student
putters around in the kitchen. cabinet doors open and
close. the microwave beeps. that is not my hot food. i
return to my expectant computer. adobe photoshop stares
back at me. choose.

tab after tab reveals a woman i have never met. her eyes
pierce my eyes. i do not know her name, her occupation, or
her heart’s desires. i only know that i have been tasked with
editing 10 portraits of this person. my professor shared the
portraits via dropbox and included a list of instructions: 1.
remove her freckles. 2. brighten the whites of her eyes.
3. redden her lips. 4. lighten her hair. 5. lessen her chin
waddle. on and on and on.

i do not pity the woman for having bags under her eyes. the
tiny mole on her clavicle does not bother me. her teeth’s
slight yellow tint does not make me gasp. in every portrait,
the woman appears happy and health. she smiles not just
with her lips but her whole face. she glows. she knows that
she is loved and that suffering is temporary.

i do a quick color correction on each photo, but only to
adjust for the photographer’s errors: underexposure, overexposure,
blurriness, extraneous visual information that
should be cropped. i do not morph the subject into an
unrecognizable version of herself. as i wait for the files to
upload in my class folder, i compose an email to my
professor explaining why i did not complete the assignment
as required. radiance cannot be photoshopped.

i press send right after the files finish uploading. before i
start to pack up, i glance out the window to the fading
snowstorm.
Picture

The Dead Girl Artist's Scientific Method
​

have you ever read
an artist statement
written by a cadaver?
imagine the photographer typing in her coffin.
oh, you thought it was a man?
no, this dead artist is a woman.
some might call her a girl.
she is still willowy.
not yet 30.
never pregnant,
free from the scars
that “make” a “woman.”

actually, was.
past tense.
she’s just a buried body now.

camera mechanics do not intoxicate me
but they enable me to
paint with light.
here in the darkness, I crave light.
in life, I ate too many worms,
too much dirt.
all because he didn’t love me.
i shouldn’t have cared.
who was he but a ghostly distraction?
a skeletal character too mysterious
for me to add flesh.
you must know a soul
to love it.

i photographed my sallow self before sunset.
these were not expressionistic portraits.
these were scientific documents,
photos for the lab and the archives.

maybe a microscope could tell me
why he did not love me.
I would crack the lens to find out.

was it my curly hair?
did he long for straight?
was it my mayan nose?
did he want a ski slope?
was it my ripe olive tone?
did he prefer peaches and cream?

obsession does not make for
clear thinking
and my mind had always been
crystal.
i should’ve abandoned my lab coat.
there are softer things to wear.
why live with coarse fabrics?
life is coarse enough.

i probed too hard with my camera.
he doesn’t love you.
i stabbed myself with my tripod.
he doesn’t love you.
i knocked myself out with studio lights.
he doesn’t love you.

an encouraging friend might say:

at least these unrequited affections
taught you photography.
and now you can write
grant proposals from the grave.

is that a nobler use of eternity
than pushing up daisies?
turning rejection and loneliness
into art?

now that I am dead,
my paranoia has died, too.
he never loved me because
he never knew me.
no lab results necessary.
BFA

the tapping of pencils
in the great hall
drums out all serenity
from the brain

think about your
future
my camera is my heart
think about your
life
my camera is my soul
but you have a stomach
feed your stomach

the relentless grip of
societal expectations
could shatter
the skull

i filled out that green
index card
and wrote ‘photography’
on the long black line

my major decision was
not so major
right?

the lens obsessed
do not choose
medicine or law
business will not do
dentistry is a cavity
in an artist’s heart

we choose the path
that could kill us
pull the trigger
and bang!
goes the camera
ready, set,
shoot

four years and
a diploma
four years and
a portfolio
four years and
nobody knows
what is next

Picture

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