Plagiarism Pays by Gracjan Anthony Kraszewski

“Literary Mimesis; or Plagiarism Pays.” Karen Craft. Product Description: It’s only cheating if you get caught. We’ve never been caught. What we do is you. We do your style. You send us sample copies of papers you have actually written in the past. (We require a minimum of 5 papers and two weeks to plan our approach). Ideally, please and thank you, send us your packet four to six weeks in advance of your essay’s due date, adjusting accordingly for difficulty and length requirements. We charge 0.09 USD per word ($450 for a 5,000w. paper). Our employees are frustrated, MFA holding novelists sick of rejection on the open market who’ve made a nice living for themselves in this peculiar industry catering to lower-level undergraduates— those from money/of money/with money (to burn) at elite public and private American universities. These people, our “fixers,” possess an uncanny ability to sound like you, fast, getting you the grade you need while saving you valuable party time that would otherwise be wasted in writing papers. We scrupulously avoid even the hint of foul play, hiding all misbehavior from schoolmarmish professors.

Disclaimer: We do not guarantee good grades, only authenticity.

If you’re a D student, we will make you sound like a D student. We save you time writing papers you don’t want to write, WE ARE NOT MIRACLE WORKERS. Plus, consider, lowkey and just straight up FR: if you are a D student and we turn in an A paper for you that kind of, like, um, ya know, defeats the whole purpose of our service. It’s like some scumbag election fraud specialist who deserves all he gets in terms of fines and punishments and punitive reparatory measures measured out to the final inch and centimeter deciding to stuff six hundred fake ballots in one mailbox as if the people picking up the early voting would take this and nod, ‘sounds good, looks like 600 voters do live at this address.’ Idiot. We are not idiots. 

Here’s a two-pronged, AB sample from one of our best, ‘007,’ writing for the aforementioned D student on the following topic: The Secession Crisis during the American Civil War. Look and see for yourself how effortlessly 007 is able to sound like a student who barely passes via two distinct styles: first, the classic jackass frat moron and, in the B sample, the over-eager virtue signaling present-imprisoned speech puritan. 

*Option C included for the rarely ordered but elite-pricing ‘true F’ paper. 

1. “The North was, like, nah, dis bullshit, yeah? That the South was, like, bein’ all unconstitutional and shit, yu-heard? Like, peep this, did we the people, the United States of America make somethin poppin or no? Did we all agree we be ride and die no matter what back in 1776 or no? The North was like, nah, hole up! Yeah, of course, you make a country, you make a Union, yo, for the purpose of being together forever, like a marriage and no, I mean no one, nah, gets married while at the same time being like we probably gon get divorced. And so the North was obviously tight in their arguments. The South did not, nah, never, they had no right to do like they done did.”
2. “Within current paradigms of historiographical analysis a propos the rebellion of patriarchal, sexist and racist slaveholding white men what is often unfortunately overlooked is the intersectional and overt sexism and oppression of female-identifying citizens in the Northern United States of America. Abraham Lincoln is patient zero in this regard. If they, Lincoln, really cared about equality and egalitarianism why, in the wake of their belated Emancipation Proclamation regarding of African descent African-Americans in America following the anti-pacificism, potentially pandemic seeding protest at Antietam did they not also (politically) emancipate female-identifying citizens? We can sadly see the portends of this gross oversight during the entitled white cisgender toxic male revolt of late 1860, early 1861.” 
3. “So, huh, the war. Civil. Kay. I, my TA, Jenny, bro, right, amirite tho? I remember her saying last week son it was like in the 1830s no wait the 1380s. Prof, she was also talking about hitting the club all weekend w/ her boyfriend Chad at the club. Also TBH I was on the bong a bit too much the last few days and my dog ate all my edibles, so…but don’t worry it’s all good. Okay. Abra-hammered Lincoln (get it?) once upon a time…”
   
   

Profit: $320,100.00

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Gracjan Anthony Kraszewski is the author of three books, the Civil War history Catholic Confederates (Kent State, 2020) and two novels: The Holdout (Adelaide, 2018) and Thermonuclear Mirth: The End of the World But Not Just Yet (Arouca Press, 2023). Fiction has appeared in Amsterdam Quarterly, Riddle Fence, Nashwaak Review, Wilderness House Literary Review, New English Review, Black Bear Review, The MacGuffin, The Scriblerus, and Eclectica Magazine.